I did so well today! Yesterday I was doing very well, until I had peanut butter. Like I described in one of my last posts, this is one of my biggest weaknesses. I. Just. Can’t. Stop. Eating. It. I swear to God I probably ate like a thousand calories worth of peanut butter, and even though I’d gone to the gym earlier, that didn’t do much to counteract it. I went back to the jar 3 times. 3! When I came back to my senses, I walked downstairs with the huge tub to my dad’s office, and wordlessly handed it to him. Indeed, he gave me a very odd look. I asked him to hide it. He started laughing. I explained lightly, with a jingle in my voice, saying that once I started it I couldn’t stop and that I felt so sick after eating it that I just needed it to be gone. I told him to throw it out! I didn’t care! Just get rid of it! Still laughing, he just said he would hide it. I thanked him, trying very hard not to show how important it was for it to be gone out of my life, at least for now, and trying to make it seem like a simple thing.
When I was walking upstairs I had tears in my eyes. I walked to the bathroom and just broke down. My knees were weak and buckled underneath me, and I slid down the wall. I couldn’t stop sobbing, couldn’t stop thinking about how much I’d just eaten. What had I done?! That was the third day in a row! I had been doing so well! And now it had all been for nothing. Back to square 1. I just kept thinking how much fat and calories were in that peanut butter, even though I buy the one with 25% less fat. I wanted to cut so badly then. I was justifying it to myself then- yes, I had promised my mom I wouldn’t, but I’m with my dad for a month, so until Christmas I wouldn’t even see her- the scars would have faded by then. Swim season was over, so I could just find another place on my body other than my wrist where I usually cut. We weren’t even changing this week for gym because of the dance unit! But then I looked at my scars. They’re still there, and still somewhat prominent, but they were fading. It had been more than 3 months since I’ve cut. I just kept picturing my grandma’s face when she talked to me that one time (I’ll talk about that another day) and how desperate she was for me to use that super expensive cream she got me to make them go away…
I didn’t do it. I don’t even know where my razors are at my dad’s, to be honest. But oh the thought of blood streaming down my forearm… that rich red colour… the sting. I would’ve torn apart the whole house in search for them. But I didn’t. I don’t know how, but I didn’t. I did punch myself in the head. I was just so angry. I kept snapping my rubber band. My wrist swelled up, an angry red colour. It was soothing. Not quite the deep crimson I was wanting to see, but at least something.
I kept sobbing, and then I started praying. Except I wasn’t praying to God. I don’t think I believe in God anymore. Haven’t for a while really. That will be another post. I started talking to Ana, begging for forgiveness, and for her to be there for me in the future. To guide me, to lead me. It was like a chant. Frantic words just tumbled out of my mouth, I was so desperate to not have that happen again. At least I didn’t purge.
So that was long and depressing. Now onto why today was so great! So we had Social Dance, on which I will make a post later also, and it was actually really fun.
Day 6 (although 3 of these days were failures)
3/4 cup Special K (Vanilla&Almond)- 110 cals
1/2 cup 2% milk- 65 cals total:175 cals
1/2 pita bread- 110 cals
mott’s fruitsations- 50 cals total: 160 cals
1/2 cup blueberries- 42 cals
20 raspberries- 20 cals
Green tea with Splenda- 0
Lots of water- 0 total: 62 cals
Dinner: (in picture)
1 light rye crisp bread- 27 cals
veggie ham (1 slice)- 25 cals
American Blend salad mix- 15 cals total: 67 cals
Day Total: 464 calories!!!
And that’s it! I’m so proud of myself! I also did a pilates work out DVD I have for toning after school, and right when I woke up I did 40 jumping jacks, 10 push ups, 20 squats and 50 crunches. I’m so happy! I’m not even hungry because as light as my dinner was, it was sort of filling. I hope tomorrow can be as good as today! :’)